Relationship communication struggles need to be looked at two ways: 1. The individuals involved and 2. What happens between the people. This in between interaction takes on a life of its own. By understanding the power of the interactional system it is easier to find effective solutions to the communication frustrations.
By understanding the big picture change can be introduced in simple steps. Let me give you an example:
Mary and Charlie have been married over 20 years and are a successful professional couple. They handle the tasks of running the household well. Over the years they have settled into a predictable life that works outwardly but leaves each one of them feeling alone. For both of them work has become the primary satisfying connection and the intimacy that they once shared is no longer there. Occasionally Mary will bring up that she is not happy. Charlie usually responds by saying that he is doing all he can by working hard and what more does she want. Mary tries to share a little more but quickly goes quiet. The same issue may surface again six months or a year later with the same result. Charlie does not raise the issue.
When one looks at their relationship system from an interactional view point it becomes apparent that:
- They have a balance that works for both of them
- It is at the expense of being able to be fully present
- Each has shut down a big part of their emotional vitality
- They are afraid that by bringing up what they want it will make things worse
From am interactional perspective a simple solution would be for Mary, next time she brings up to Charlie that she is not happy, to not react to his initial reaction by withdrawing so quickly. She can do this by preparing herself:
- To think about the predictable pattern that gets triggered between them
- To remind herself that the only one she has control over is herself
- To see Charlie as separate from her with his own way of dealing with feelings
- To set a modest specific goal that is realistic for her
The objective is to start introducing change into an established pattern of interacting. Either one could be the initiator. I have left the task to Mary because in the past she has been willing to verbalize her concerns. As long as Mary focuses more on what she wants to accomplish she will discover that she has more control over how she responds. By setting a doable goal for herself she will feel empowered. It is taking the deliberate step of affecting the interaction that will begin to change the system of interaction between them. As one person starts making a change the other person will also start changing. Change initially will feel scary but ultimately will lead to each person figuring out what he/she needs in order to feel happy.
By Kristina Von Rosenvinge , Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kristina_Von_Rosenvinge
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